Co-Parenting tips for a smooth transition when children return to school after separation

Co-parenting after separation needs a lot of thought, planning, and compromise, for the benefit of the children. When children go back to term-time hours after school holidays, this can present its own challenges for separated parents.

In this article, Associate Carolina Colli highlights the considerations and types of arrangements for parents to think about when their children return to school.

Plan early

The first key point is remembering that the children come first. It is universally known that parents’ working hours often do not align with school hours. Therefore, careful planning is required to balance the juggling act of school drop-offs and pick-ups.

You might be using a shared calendar or co-parenting app to manage handovers for the usual care arrangements. This can be changed to take into account school drop-offs and pick-ups. Be sure to discuss school hours with your co-parent so that it can be agreed who will be responsible for dropping the children ed off to or collecting from school. It could be that:

1. One parent is responsible for collection and drop-off whilst the children remain in their care for certain days of the week;
2. One parent can handle drop-offs and the other parent can handle pick-ups, perhaps tagging on dinner before returning the children to the parent whose care they are due to be in;
3. Arranging for the children to attend breakfast and afterschool clubs to help  when school hours do not align with working hours for parents; and
4. Asking for help from trusted family members or friends, like asking them to collect the children after school until a parent finishes work.

The underlining point is to make sure that, where possible, both parents should avoid last minute changes to arrangements.

In the event of an emergency, think about having a call-tree to delegate care of the children. It would be sensible to agree that both parents are the first port of call, before turning to a family member on either side or a friend.

Homework and extra-curricular activities

Co-parents should discuss how homework will be handled. Where possible, there should be a consistent routine for the children.

• Will the homework be done as soon as the children come home from school, perhaps before dinner time?
• Will it be done before bed?
• Will the children be able to enjoy any ‘down-time’ after homework is completed?

Depending on the agreed care arrangements for the children, co-parents need to think practically about how homework will be handled by each parent.

The same goes for extra-curricular activities. Is one parent responsible for taking the children to the activities, or will it be split across the co-parents?

Children thrive when there is a clear structure and routine and where there is little opportunity for them to get caught in the middle of conflict between parents. If a parent cannot take the children to a club, can the other parent take their place last-minute? Understanding how clubs and activities are handled will create certainty for children, and for co-parents.

Sickness or emergencies

What happens when one of your children is sick at school, or needs urgently collecting? What happens if they wake up feeling poorly and can’t go to school? These are important questions that co-parents should ask themselves and agree plan for.

A call-tree, as referred to above, can really help if a parent is unable to get out of work, so that care can be delegated. Think about each parent’s work commitments and if there is any degree of flexibility.

Clear communication is important between co-parents during unforeseen circumstances like these and it is also important not to develop any resentment towards each other if one parent is the one who normally re-arranges their work days for emergencies or sickness. Co-parents should instead recognise the role that each parent plays in their children’s lives. It could be that the other parent can offer care in the evenings or for a different part of the day in such scenarios.

Both parents should be aware of any medical needs and prescriptions for the children, and have contact details for the GP so that they are to hand if needed when a child is ill.

Have clarity on arrangements

As well as using a shared calendar or co-parenting app, co-parents should think about clearly writing down which parent is responsible for what part of the children’s care arrangements.

Be clear on timings for handover for contact; where handover can take place – can the children be collected from school, or does a parent need to drop them off to the other parent; and any indirect contact to take place such as telephone or video calls with the children while they are in the other parent’s care.

Agreement and detail are really important here. If these arrangements can be clearly recorded, it leaves little room for confusion or disagreement.

Flexibility and understanding

School terms can often clash with important events, like birthdays or family events. Co-parents should think about which parent’s care the children will be in on those days and arrange in advance how the children can spend time with both parents on the relevant days.  Parents need to agree changes to the arrangements as far in advance as possible for examples for important family occasions.

Avoid allowing the pre-arranged care arrangements preventing the children from spending time with the other parent when there are special family occasions or events. Children should spend their birthdays and other special events with both parents as far as possible. Co-parents should make a commitment to allow each other to make up time with the children that has been missed because of occasions like these. If time cannot be immediately re-arranged, think about splitting days between each parent, or making a temporary adjustment to the time that the other parent spends with the children. Just as a special event can be important to one parent, it will likely be important the other.

Half-terms, inset days and longer school holidays

Just as school term-time care needs planning, so do school holidays and inset days. Parents should plan well ahead of each gap in the school term so that everyone in the family knows where the children will be and who will care for them. It is important not to leave things to the last minute.

• Can either parent take any unpaid leave for their children?
• Can the parents divide the holidays between them to spend quality time with the children? Think about alternating school holidays so each parent can have time with the children.

Parents can often rely on grandparents, family members, and friends to step in and care for their children if they cannot take the same amount of time off as the children’s school holidays. Always be clear as co-parents who the care of the children might be delegated to and make sure you both have contact numbers for the individual who might be caring for the children.

If you are thinking about taking the children away on holiday, always have the written consent of your co-parent. This is a legal requirement if you are travelling abroad.  Equally, neither co-parent should unreasonably withhold consent for a holiday, even when frustrations might arise between you. Always provide details of the flights / travel, provide the passports in good time, and give details of accommodation. Clear, in advance conversations will really help to avoid conflict and worry.

Communication

Always remember that the children come first. Keep communication (messages, telephone calls or discussions) clear, calm and respectful to each other.

Avoid having conversations in front of the children when arrangements might not yet be agreed. Avoid involving the children in these conversations.

Aim to keep messages factual and practical. If feeling upset about a message or conversation, consider stepping away for a short while before responding.

If you can’t agree

It can be frustrating if you can’t reach an agreement with a co-parent. Family lawyers can help if you seek advice early. You might be directed to non-court dispute resolution options to help, such as going to mediation.

The Government Family Mediation Voucher Scheme presently is running until March 2027 (or until funding ends), which provides families with £500 per person to attend mediation to resolve disputes regarding children. This can be a huge help for families who want to avoid high legal costs and still want to try and resolve matters away from Court.

Child Inclusive Mediators (CIM) can be a big help. If your children are old enough, a CIM can speak with them about their wishes and feelings and put that into perspective for co-parents who might be struggling to reach an agreement on their own.

Family lawyers can be instructed to prepare correspondence to a co-parent, but this should be used carefully to clearly set out proposals rather than with an intention to force a co-parent to agree. If there genuinely cannot be an agreed way forward, then applying to the Family Court order may be a last resort.

How Pinney Talfourd can help

If you are worried or think you need advice, please contact a member of the Family Team to book an initial FREE 45 consultation to discuss your matter.